#BestLentEver – Day 3. HOLE.

“I have a God size hole in my heart…”

…and I can’t help but fill it with empty fillers. I work full time. I kind of love my job. I kind of love where I’m headed… but there are days when I feel like I’m back where I’ve started. It’s true… nothing in this world can satisfy, but we try so hard to satisfy ourselves with wordly things. Why? Because why not.

I have a lot of things to work on in my life and fear takes the most part of the hole that I know only God can fill. Why? Because I’m scared of the unknown, scared of the future, scared that God might ask too much of me! But, knowing that there is a God willing to complete and put the pieces back gives me hope–hope in what He can offer me. I just need to trust more.

Help me to trust more. Pray for me. Pray for the world.

 

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#BestLentEver – Day 2. Happiness.

“We know what makes us happy. We just don’t do them, because we’re too busy trying to be happy.”

Last night as I was reflecting upon instances of resistance in my life, I realized that I have a lot of things to work on–starting with not to keep pressing the snooze button in the morning… and of course daily prayer time.

I have always struggled with prayer time, mostly because I find doing other things amusing. What I know from experience though is that if I stick to my prayer time I am generally happier. So why don’t I do it? Because I feel that doing other things will make me happy. It does! But only for a moment and it doesn’t generally last.

What I found out from today’s experience (since I reflected and took a moment to spend time with God last night–that being Ash Wednesday) that I feel happier today. I enjoyed the presence of people around me and I was more patient today (which rarely happens). So now I know what makes me happier… but can I keep it up?

Please continue to pray for me. Pray for the world.

 

Do you believe in Jesus?

Imagine praying to the Lord about something you have been truly desiring for a really long time and He gets back to you asking, “Do you believe that I am able to do this?” (Matthew 9:28). What would have been your response? Many times we believe that God works in amazing ways, but we always fail to realize that sometimes His definition of “amazing” might not be equivalent to our definition of what “amazing” actually is. We consider that the blessings we receive are rewards for being a faithful servant, but sometimes we also consider the challenges to be punishment for being unworthy.

Most of the time we pray about something, but still end up worrying about it. We disregard the power of prayer, because we always appear to doubt it. We feel as though often times it will be “too good to be true,” and that our lives depend on ourselves alone. Our constant struggles become our life’s journey. Our wishes and desires become our future alone. We forget to put God in the picture. We forget to see Him in the picture. We forget that He is the picture.

Maybe, it’s true. Maybe it is the human condition–the human dilemma. We can’t stop worrying. We can’t stop trying to plan out our lives the way we want. We can’t stop focusing on our desires. We just can’t. It’s the human thing to do. We’re all human. And it’s okay to make choices that will benefit “us” from being human. It is. That’s the reason God gave us freedom.

However, we are also created to be holy humans–to be holy men and women of God. And that’s what we always seem to forget. It’s not really what we strive to become, because we think it is humanly impossible to achieve. I am no perfect human. And hey… I am not even close to being called holy. In fact, the struggle is there. Everyday I struggle to live a holy life. And perhaps, the only thing I really need to… or the only thing “we” really need to do is to actually, fully, entirely, and absolutely believe that Jesus is truly able to work wonders in our lives. If we firmly believe it.

God speaks.

When I got out of university (last April), I thought all will be well. I’ve earned myself a degree at the age of 21. I have made my parents proud by walking the stage. I have high hopes of advancing in my career path. I have gotten a job offer even before I graduated. All is looking bright for me. I kept telling myself, the Lord will provide. The Lord will bless me. I know Jesus has got my back. My faith was unshaken. My trust in Him has always been steadfast. My life’s motto has always been “let go and let God.” I kept repeating it to myself, “let go and let God… LGLG.” I know full well that God is preparing something big for me.

It wasn’t long when all the trials started to arise. The job that was offered for me earlier in the year has gotten reconsidered and I was lost with no job after graduation. I brushed it off, because I knew God is going to bless me with another. After a couple of interviews, I was blessed to find another job that fit perfectly for me. I thought to myself, “I knew God would not let me down. God is good!” However, the work that I have received became a burden to my service, and I had to choose to resign. Yet, the worries did not come. I prayed and hoped that God is faithful and that He will provide another. After months of searching, going into multiple interviews, I had no calls. No follow-ups. No experience in the work that I wanted to pursue. I had nothing. Regret started to fill my mind and I started to ask God what He wanted for me. I felt like Job (refer to the Bible: Book of Job). 

I put off finding work and started focusing on serving. My life after graduation revolved around my community life. On my 22nd birthday (August), I offered the day of service for the Lord, and asked Him fervently, “Your will not mine.” Student loan mails started to come, and my grace period is almost up. Worries started to arise. The overwhelmed feeling of a student after graduation began. Bills started to pile up and my savings started to decrease. Parents started to question my career choice, and friends kept asking me about my job applications. All I could say was, “pray for me.” I badly needed prayers, because fear began to develop in my head.

A sister once said, “Once you let worries in, you let the devil in.” I guess being human and all, you cannot help but worry for what the future might hold. I’m almost out of patience for the Lord, and sometimes I question the decisions I have made and would ask Him, “Lord, why?” I guess you could say, I am not like Job at all, because I’m failing this test of faith miserably. I am rushing the Lord even though He already vouched for me. I had no intention of letting the devil in. I had no intention of letting my worries or fears in. I just couldn’t help myself.

They say that everyday, God speaks to us in many ways; whether it be through someone, something, or a situation that impacted our day. We ignore those messages or affirmations of God’s love as if we have forgotten Him during moments of trials. It is as if we blindly acknowledge our desires instead of God’s desires for our lives. Everyday I let worries come into my life. I struggle to see the big picture that the Lord has set upon me. I fail to open my eyes and my heart to the messages He constantly tries to reveal to me. You see, it’s not always easy. I take pleasure and joy in serving the Lord. I am at most happy, most joyful when I am serving Him, but through serving Him, through the prayers and sacrifices, through the actions and words that come out of my mouth–are but an ordinary human being with faults. The devil comes in all shapes and sizes, he comes in what is most pleasing to the eyes. And because you are serving, faithful, and committed, that’s when the devil lures you in his temptations disguised as your irresistible desires. It is difficult to trust the Lord, because everyday you have to constantly fight the battle within. It is difficult to patiently wait for the Lord… but I guess that’s a struggle I am still trying to overcome.

Lord, I humbly come before you as your child. I ask you for strength, for peace, for more love, more patience and more trust in You. I desire to follow You, but it’s difficult. It’s difficult because I am weak. Make me strong, provide me the strength. Continue to increase my faith because through that faith I know I will be able to trust You fully. Your promises, Your plans, Your love should be all I’ll ever need. Give me the grace to surrender myself to You. Amen. □