I’m the rope, the tug of war between Jesus and the world. Most of the time I fall on the side where the world would always pull me closer and closer, but Jesus just won’t let go.
I really beat myself up when I think about how I do well at work and try to be an efficient and better employee, but when Jesus calls me to Him, I remember and then forget easily! Why? I hate it so much. It’s so easy for me to forget about God, but pleasing my boss and the people I work with- I work so hard for.
Okay… I’m not a bad. And I mean it when I say I’m serious with my faith. However, as I just said multiple times before, I am just a very distracted person. I know what I need to work on. I just need more of You, Lord. Help me desire more of You.
“Lord, I want more of You. I desire more of You…”
…have been my constant prayer throughout my faith journey. It’s my constant struggle battling between what I really want and desire for my life and what God desires for me. Sometimes I often think Him saying to me, “You say you want more of me but I want more of you too.” I find myself always just relying on my prayers asking God or rather telling God how He should just mold me, “Lord, make me more patient. Make me understand. Help me be less moody…” thinking that just by praying about it, God will snap His fingers and change me.
I want more of You Jesus. Help me want more of You. I do really, but it’s not really enough to want something. It’s the first step, but it’s not enough. It doesn’t end there. It’s not enough to say, “I want to pass my exam” and then not study. You have to want and then act on that want.
Lord, let Your will be done always.
Pray for me. Pray for the world.
“What is your desire?” I asked myself. As I dug through my thoughts, I could not find the answer to my question. “What do you want to do?” Again I asked myself. Thoughts came rushing in my head, but no justifiable answer satisfied me. “What is making you happy?” It’s sad to think that after the third question, I still do not have a concrete answer that convinced me that what I’m even doing is worth it.
Today I came to a realization that feelings come to pass. I came to realize that the feelings that we have, will always resonate with the present and also will no longer matter in the future. We depend so much on what we feel or how we feel that we forget that these feelings come from our desire to share and create moments–create memories with the people around us. We focus our feelings about us so much that it molds us, it shapes us to be centered on our desire to always be happy.
“What is making you happy?” Again I asked myself. The answer to the question is unfortunately–the current state of my heart.
Lord, you know the desires of my heart. Let Your desires consume my weak, fragile (& slightly stubborn) heart. Amen.