Desire

“What is your desire?” I asked myself. As I dug through my thoughts, I could not find the answer to my question. “What do you want to do?” Again I asked myself. Thoughts came rushing in my head, but no justifiable answer satisfied me. “What is making you happy?” It’s sad to think that after the third question, I still do not have a concrete answer that convinced me that what I’m even doing is worth it.

Today I came to a realization that feelings come to pass. I came to realize that the feelings that we have, will always resonate with the present and also will no longer matter in the future. We depend so much on what we feel or how we feel that we forget that these feelings come from our desire to share and create moments–create memories with the people around us. We focus our feelings about us so much that it molds us, it shapes us to be centered on our desire to always be happy.

“What is making you happy?” Again I asked myself. The answer to the question is unfortunately–the current state of my heart.

Lord, you know the desires of my heart. Let Your desires consume my weak, fragile (& slightly stubborn) heart. Amen.

God is speaking. Be silent.

Have you ever had that moment when you realize that God is trying to speak to you? Or was there ever a random moment that urged you to do something out of the ordinary and at the end of the day it all made sense to you? Am I even making sense? I have been feeling the need to express myself, but could not find the words. However, right now words seem to flow out of my mouth or rather hands, because I am… typing.

Let me begin. I have been rather mentally and physically exhausted. The emotional stress that I have been dealing with everyday rapidly drains every part of my being. I am not the type to show this side of me as I am a very private person–to most, this will come off as a surprise. But that’s just it. There is a constant need for me to hide my true self, however long I try… God seems to be pointing me towards something different.

Today, I heard him. Not the way you would think… not in some sort of a burning bush, or even through an angel (which would’ve been cool…er), instead He poked me at my weakest.

You see today, He pulled me to go to mass. I heard Him through the priest’s homily, “…God shows mercy not by the way he showers His blessings, but by the way He leads you to act in mercy.” I heard Him through the song on the radio (Shine FM), “What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise” -Blessings, Laura Story. I heard Him again, “Are you not the closest when it’s hardest to stand?” -Here I Am, Downhere. So what was His point? I’ve prayed and prayed for Him to reveal Himself to me, when all I had to do was be silent, because He is there. He is listening. Now be silent and listen with your heart.

 

Life is too short.

As I stood on the station platform waiting to be dismissed by firefighters/police officers, I can’t help but feel emotionally distressed. Today… I saw, felt, and heard someone get killed–ran over by the ctrain I was in.

Life is too short.

It was weird, because earlier in the day I was reading today’s Gospel from Luke 12, “…You must also be ready, for the Son of Man is coming at an unexpected hour.” It got me thinking… if God took me today, will I be ready? Will you be ready?

I hope so… I pray so.

“Heavenly Father, I pray for the man who passed away due to the unfortunate incident today. May You grant him mercy and pardon him for all his sins. May You be with his loved ones during this difficult time. May his soul rest in peace. Amen.”

Why I’m Still Catholic –a response

Recently, I have read a post from Patheos asking all Catholic bloggers, authors, priests, speakers, etc… on “Why do you remain a Catholic?” This is my response.

It took me a while to form my thoughts on this certain topic, because honestly, most of what I wanted to say was already touched on by amazing writers of our diverse Catholic community. However, as I was reading posts from Catholics all over the world, it gave me a reason to write, because despite living in a world where believing is seeing, and ignorance of faith has been rapidly increasing; there are still quite a number of people who believe in what I believe in.

Born and raised Catholic, I grew up with a strict ideology of why going to church was a necessary tool for growth in our faith–although I never really understood how until I fell in love with the church itself. The purpose of this post, however, is not to tell you how I came to love the church, but to simply give you my reason why I’m still and will continue to stand by the church.

I only have one reason to give–apart from hundreds of wonderful testimonies, countless logic and reasoning–I have, but one. And that is, it simply gives me hope. Frankly, I can’t imagine living my life without it. It gives me the reason why I continue to do the things I do. It gives me joy. It gives me my purpose–I know that my purpose is not just to live, but to simply live for Him. I know that beyond this life, there is a God who continues loving; beyond this world that continues hurting, there is a heaven that is life-giving. I’ve always kept Mother Teresa’s quote at the back of my head because she is the epitome of love and she gave the perfect representation of a true Christian witness, “…You see, in the final analysis (of life) it is between you and God; it was never between you and them anyway.” 

You ask me why I’m still Catholic, I’m Catholic because that’s what I’m meant to be and as Matthew Kelly would say, “Be the best version of yourself.” Being a Catholic, I become just that.

“Actions speak louder than words…”

…whether you like it or not, whether you mean to or not, and whether they judge you or not. It’s true and it will always be true. It’s unfortunate, but that is just the way how most people work. You cannot be one thing and claim to be another. A dog cannot be a cat all at once, the way I can’t be a girl and a boy simultaneously. Now, before you start to scroll down and look for the comment section and voice out your opinion how I’m being so insensitive and how I’m being such a hater of the LGBT community… Hear me out.

You are entitled to have your own identity. You are entitled to be you. I am not stopping you to be yourself. Go ahead and be yourself… but did you ever stop and ask yourself, “Who am I really?” We always seem to have our focus on other peoples’ identities that we neglect to reflect on our own identity.

“Who are you really?” 

Take away all generic representation of ourselves regarding name, gender, race, etc. How would you address the question?

Simply put, you are a child of God.

I want you to realize it, because it’s true. Behind our identity lies our biggest blessing. We can only be true to ourselves when we acknowledge ourselves to be children of God. You are entitled to be a child of God, because you are a child of God; but just like a child who obtained their parents’ last name, our identity should reflect the being of Our Father. The culture says, “actions speak louder than words.” We can’t just claim to be God’s children, we have to act on it, and we have to be proud of it. Come face to face with yourself and see that within the silence of our always aching heart, there is a voice. Are you willing to listen? Are you willing to act? Are you willing to swim against the current? Because believe it or not… I can’t do it alone.

Why I Want to Quit my Job–(a Confession)

Almost four months in since I’ve started working in a corporate job setting. Almost a year since I graduated from a degree I thought would bring me contentment. You see… this job pays the bills. It pays a lot of things– my wants, my needs, my leisurely expenses, my convenience… sometimes even my temporary happiness. I’m happy with my job. I like it. Not too stressful, not too boring, it doesn’t take away my time from service. Although since I’ve started, I have had this recurring thought/question of a desire I never once dreamed I would have. What is my purpose? What is it really? Am I really just supposed to be earning money to pay my loans? Is that really what I’m supposed to be doing? Is that it? It sounds so–monotonously boring and dull. It feels empty! I have always thought that working in the corporate world would bring satisfaction, because it would fulfill my financial obligations. I’ve always thought having money for travel, for shopping, for anything… would lead to my perpetual amusement every pay day… but I beg to differ. I have always looked forward to weekends consisting of multiple community events, meetings, and fellowships. I have always looked forward to finding the fulfillment of my purpose through my service, because I am never satisfied in anything else. It seems like I’m craving for something more–something greater. I even took on more work responsibilities because I felt like the job just got too repetitive, still the need to satisfy the void recurs. I’ve bombarded the Lord with questions, and in my confusion, I’ve asked Him to lead me on how to fulfill these desires. Do I sound too foolish to think that there is a greater purpose than what I’m really doing? Do I sound selfish to be even thinking about these things because of the blessings God has graciously blessed me with? Am I the only one who feels/thinks/aspires that God has a greater purpose in my life–in our lives?

I feel like I’m the only one. I can’t be the only one.

The World We Live In

We wake up, eat, and go about our day,
We try to live as though everything is okay,
We turn on the news and see the world’s slow decay,
And act as though this problem will eventually go away.

We find having sex rules,
While porn’s been talked about in schools,
And often deemed as a fool,
When you talk about Jesus being cool.
We witness violence around us,
Everywhere hearing boys and girls learn to cuss.
Don’t you see what is happening?
Our desires slowly deceive us.

We hear children get abused,
And babies getting killed,
Through our actions and choices,
That were poorly instilled.
We see people stand up for causes,
And blindly see their destructive sources,
While our children suffer,
To all kinds of divorces.

We see more families that are broken,
Ripped to pieces and forgotten,
Children left alone–
Left alone and downtrodden.
We wish for a revival.
A quick tool for survival.
What happened to the Church?
The Church which deserves more approval.

We feel our hearts long for love,
An authentic kind of love,
But we ourselves settle,
For less love than providential.

Is this the world we live in,
Where the norm has been to sin?

When will we realize,
And stop believing the lies?
When will we ask ourselves,
To open up our eyes?
Is it okay to watch and wait,
And realize that it’s too late,
When will we start having faith?
That the youth deserves a better fate.

When will we finally defend,
The truth that will hopefully amend,
A future that promises,
A life that has no end.